Remember the fight scene between Jack and Barbossa in “The Pirates of the Caribbean?” It goes on for several minutes until we learn that each of them is an undead pirate zombie that can’t be killed. I’ve never been able to defend that one scene, and for the same reason, I can’t defend a single moment of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”
Although it is intended to be a history lesson on a story most people already know enough about, “Wolverine” is a film without suspense or purpose. It is one action sequence after another, each more ludicrous than the last. And it is so because Wolverine is invincible; He is the hero of all heroes, with no weaknesses, no easy way to be killed, an unrivaled weapon and a guarantee of his survival.
Since the X-Men trilogy, Wolverine has not changed or gotten stronger, but his limits are stretched even beyond the ones established in the series. In the original series, Wolverine was passed out for several minutes after a gunshot to the head. Here, he gets stabbed numerous times consecutively, is hurled through walls, takes multiple bullet wounds and even recovers unscathed from a brief death after his adamantium injection. This is all done stylishly, but to no avail of course.
Even the screenplay has rendered him indestructible. As this is an origin movie, we know he can’t die, but neither can many of the key players in the story. It doesn’t even matter what crazy bollocks the characters get into; Wolverine starts with a clean slate when he loses his memory at the end of the film (not a spoiler for anyone who’s seen the X-Men movies).
In fact, his convenient mutation makes up for Wolverine’s otherwise poor fighting prowess. He’s a slow brute capable of getting the pulp beaten out of him by faster villains. His enemies include a fat tub of lard, his half brother in dire need of a manicure, a French guy with a pole, a deck of cards and a gambling problem and another whose mutant power, as far as I can tell, is simply being a badass. Aside from the screenplay, the film takes pride in discovering new ways to inflict pain on Hugh Jackman.
Their fights are pointless and clearly motivated for the sake of action, so we have no reason to care. But ideally, the audience has come for the additional chapter to Wolverine’s story, the one that will explain his dark lifestyle and his unique mutant abilities. Instead, Wolverine leaves home as a child in the 1840’s after learning of his mutation, proceeds to fight in every major American war until Vietnam, and joins a group of mutant mercenaries led by William Stryker (Danny Huston). Stryker fuses Wolverine’s body with adamantium with the goal of eventually combining the powers of other mutants to create one, super mutant. Oh yes, and Wolverine calls for revenge on his half brother Victor (Liev Schreiber), or Sabretooth, after he murders his girlfriend, but since Sabretooth is in “X-Men,” you can bet how that turned out.
Here’s a movie that could be concerning itself with the nature of Wolverine’s mutation and instead comes up with some ridiculous conspiracy/action/revenge plot. Wolverine can ask of himself what kind of sick freak he has become, try to end his life and then realize he can’t. He can ponder the question of his mortality, or since he doesn’t age, possible immortality.
I did learn something about his mutant powers though. Turns out Wolverine always had claws from his skeleton, just not adamantium ones. I thought he just had the healing powers and became the unbeatable killing machine afterwards. Why does this matter? It doesn’t.
And that’s the thing that’s already bugging me about “X-Men Origins.” I’ve dealt with bad movies before, but here’s a film that thinks mighty highly of itself and has even already established a cult following purely because of its existence and subject matter.
Three separate secret endings have been tacked on at the end of the credits. Are there really people out there travelling to separate movie theaters to see the same film for a chance to see a different ending? The movie theater I work at only has two of the three, so good luck with that.
What’s more, “X-Men Origins” is a new series that will soon include the story of Magneto as well. I’m sure it’s an itching question to find out just how Charles Xavier got put in that wheelchair. As riveting of a story as that would be, if it’s anything like “Wolverine,” it’s amazing how much less I could actually care.
2 stars