As if superhero movies weren’t overblown enough, here’s the bombastically overacted and extravagant “Thor,” starring none other than the Norse God of Thunder. If you thought Robert Downey Jr.’s ego was big as Iron Man, wait until you see the one on the hulking and indestructible alien that helms this movie.
Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is the prince of a sparkling land in another area of the cosmos called Asgard. For eons, they’ve protected the galaxy and maintained order, leading the Scandinavian humans back in ancient times to revere them as deities. Now the throne must pass from the King Odin (Anthony Hopkins) to Thor, but when he tries to wage war on their sworn enemies, the frost giants, he is rightly banished to Earth.
Allow me to describe Asgard, a shimmering, God-like planet of rainbow colors blessed with the features of a glistening waterfall spilling endlessly into the depths of space, floating rock staircases, a golden portal capable of summoning lightning storms and an enormous palace of bronze pipes that would put whatever the Royal wedding cost to shame. The existence of this place and the CGI that depict it are self serving, looking good only as an excuse to look extravagant, because the people that live and act on it are the same cocky, privileged, one-dimensional characters we would find on Earth. They even ride horses.
Yet nothing that happens on Asgard has any bearing to what happens on Earth, and I had no reason to care about the spectacular mayhem that could ensue there. “Thor” wastes more time on this fantasy world and its mythology than I care to count.
It’s only when Thor is banished to Earth and meets an astrophysicist played by Natalie Portman do things get remotely interesting. This is proof once again that like everything else, a movie can be inherently more entertaining if it stars Natalie Portman.
But Thor’s loud and boisterous fish-out-of-water routine on the humble blue planet gets old as soon as it starts. This strikingly good looking shirtless brute of a man booms demands for meat and coffee, and as confused as they are, Portman and her sidekick Kat Dennings can’t help but go rosy in his presence.
It’s remarkably corny and countered only with more strictly serious scenes on Asgard with armor-clad warriors talking in 15th Century English.
With that, “Thor” marks possibly the silliest comic book put to film to date.
There is no irony when a bunch of rednecks from New Mexico try their luck at a sword-in-the-stone scenario. There is no light-heartedness in the ominous aerial shots and always domineering canted angles that are more prevalent than in “The Third Man.” There is not one character that mentions the elaborate and expensive CGI backdrop placed around them, nor is there a moment to stop and admire it.
It’s all filler to add yet another plot thread to build a giant narrative universe Marvel is creating for yet another franchise, no doubt one that will be centered on the same number of exhausting action sequences with no style or cinematic creativity to be found.
There is not a moment of “Thor” that does not seem overblown to the level expected by a cliché Viking, be it the performances, the cinematography, the CGI, the battles or the Marvel Easter eggs.
Writing that this movie is terrible is not enough to attract attention away from this monstrosity. I’d have to yell and beat something with a hammer before anyone listened.
1 ½ stars